Always Busy? Why Your Mind Might Be Busier Than Your Life
When someone asks how you are, what do you say?
If the answer is usually "Oh, busy, you know," it might be worth a closer look. Not at your diary. At what's going on in your head while you get through it.
In this video I talk about why feeling busy all the time isn't only about how much you've got on. There are two things going on, and most of us only ever look at one of them.
Two tracks: your life, and your thinking about it
I often use a picture of two tracks running side by side.
On the first track is your life. Everything you do in a day. Work, laundry, school runs, walking the dog, cooking dinner, looking after an elderly parent, seeing friends, fitting in some exercise.
Some of these are responsibilities. Some you choose because you enjoy them. And some you do because you feel you should. A healthy, self-aware woman, the story goes, does strength training three times a week and meditates every morning. Nobody actually said you have to. It just arrived with everything else society handed us.
On the second track is your thinking. The running commentary on everything happening on the first track.
Here's the key point. The life track has no feeling in it. A to-do list can't make you stressed. A basket of washing can't make you overwhelmed. How you experience your day comes from your thinking about it, in the moment, every time.
Same day, two very different experiences
It can really look like your life is the problem. "It's my job. It's my to-do list. It's just my life." But try this.
Picture a full day. Plenty to get through. Now picture your mind moving at a steady pace, doing one thing and then the next, not running five tasks ahead. The day is still full. But it doesn't feel pressured.
Now picture the same day with a layer of busy thinking on top. Thinking you didn't choose and aren't doing on purpose. It sounds something like:
"I've got so much to do today. How am I going to fit it all in?"
You're making packed lunches while thinking about the meeting. In the meeting, you're thinking about popping out for Aunt Jane's birthday card. At your desk, you're thinking about dinner, the presentation you haven't prepared, and the conversation you still need to have about booking the holiday. You get home and the washing is still waiting to be hung up.
All day you're moving through your life without really being in it. Lost in what you've got to do, what you haven't done, and what you forgot.
Same tasks. Very different day. And that second version is where "Oh, busy, you know" comes from.
Where Sue comes in
Sue is the name I give the voice in your head. Her three drives spell her name: Safety, Uncertainty and Exposure.
Sue doesn't like you dropping balls. She doesn't like mistakes, letting people down, or getting things wrong. She wants you productive all the time, because that's where she thinks your worth lives.
So she'll tell you everything needs doing, all the time, and only you can do it. She'll also grossly overestimate what one person can get done in a day. And she doesn't only comment on your to-do list. She comments on everything.
That constant whirring is exhausting, and it's easy to underestimate how much. A busy life is tiring. A busy life with nonstop commentary on top adds another layer of exhaustion, plus the sense that you're not coping or not measuring up. Mostly because you're expecting far too much of yourself.
A simple inventory to see what's really going on
Pick a calmer moment for this. Not the middle of a frantic Tuesday. You might like to do it with a trusted friend.
1. List what you're responsible for. Write down everything you do in a normal 24 hours. Remember you also need to eat, sleep and look after yourself, and most of us work outside of the home responsibilities too.
2. Sort the list. Mark each item as a responsibility, something you want to do, or a should.
3. Ask the honest question. Is this too much for one human being in one day? Sue will make this tricky to answer, but most of us have a fair sense of it once it's written down.
4. If it is too much, look for help. Where could you ask for support? What could you delegate? What could you let go of? These can be uncomfortable questions, especially if Sue has cast you as the capable one who gets it all done. But the alternative is life rushing past while you're busy.
5. Look hard at your shoulds. Some things you don't love but have to do. Fair enough. Others are tied to an idea of what a good person does, or how to measure up. Those are worth questioning.
6. Check your mind, not just your list. Notice how much thinking is going on about your tasks. "So much to do. Everyone's relying on me. What's next?" For most people, this is the biggest cause of feeling busy.
Start with the busy mind
Most people find a mix. A bit too much on, and a mind running very fast.
If your mind is busy, that's the first place to look. You can have a full life, and when your mind is quieter it will feel slower. Calmer. With far less pressure in it. Pressure only ever comes from a mind that's pushing you along.
Then ask what you want
From that clearer place you can ask a different question. Not "what should I be doing?" That's Sue's question. Instead: what do I want? How do I want to spend my time?
Then make space for it, as much as you can. By midlife, a huge chunk of our time goes to other people, to responsibilities, and to everything Sue says we should do, and do perfectly. Whole years can go missing in there. Time for what you want is worth protecting.
What would you like to say instead?
If you'd like your answer to "How are you?" to be something other than "busy," watch the video a couple of times and try the inventory.
And if you'd like to understand how the voice in your head works, take the free Meet Sue™ quiz here.
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