When guilt isn't proof you've done anything wrong
If you've ever wondered how to stop feeling guilty all the time, I want to start with a scene you might recognise.
It's half six on a Wednesday. Your mum has rung twice, your inbox hasn't shrunk and someone at home needs something from you again.
A voice says, "You've earned this. Go on." So you pour the glass of wine. Or open the biscuits. Or snap at whoever walks into the kitchen next. Ten minutes later, the same voice is back in a different tone. "Look at you. No self-control. What kind of person does that?"
If you carry guilt around like a heavy background hum, here's the most useful thing I can tell you. Guilt is not proof that you've done something wrong.
Meet Sue, the voice behind your guilt
Sue is the name I give to the inner critical, overly responsible voice in your head. Her name spells her three drives: safety, uncertainty and exposure.
Guilt sits mostly in her exposure drive. It runs on two questions. What will other people think of me? Am I measuring up?
Sue is frightened that if you don't meet other people's standards, you'll be pushed out of the group. A long way back in our history, that meant you didn't survive. So she treats a missed phone call or an untidy kitchen as if your life depends on it.
Where guilt comes from: expectations
Wherever there's guilt, there's an expectation behind it. Some come from outside such as how often you should visit an ageing parent, how clean the house should be. How much you should earn or how your children should behave.
Others are Sue's own rules, picked up in childhood. If your parents were very successful, you might feel you're only good enough if you match them. If your mum always put everyone else first, you'll feel guilty the moment you don't.
These standards can look completely real. But every one of them was made up, either by society or by your own conditioning. You bought into them innocently, nobody asked you to sign anything.
The three kinds of guilt
When I look at guilt with clients, it almost always falls into one of three groups.
1. Guilt about what you are doing
This is guilt about habits and reactions that are still going on. The drinking you said you'd stop this year, overeating after a hard day. Losing your temper with your partner or your kids.
Here Sue plays a double game. When you're stressed, she tells you that you can't cope and you need comfort. Have the wine, you deserve it. Then a few minutes later, the very same voice turns round and tells you you're hopeless.
One voice is behind both the impulse and the guilt. It's just thought.
In those moments you aren't a bad person. You're tired, overwhelmed and using whatever was nearest to soothe yourself. Beating yourself up afterwards doesn't break the habit. If it did, it would have worked by now. It adds to the discomfort that drives the habit in the first place.
If you've snapped at someone, you can make amends. If you've had the wine, wait until you're in a better mood and think about how to look after yourself so you're less worn out next time.
2. Guilt about what you aren't doing
This is guilt about inaction. Not changing career, not getting fitter or saving and paying off debt. Not giving enough time, help or support to the people you love.
It can be fierce around caring. You feel you aren't doing enough for your parents, or enough homework help and quality time with your children. If your child is struggling, Sue whispers, "What did you miss? What did you get wrong?"
Listen out for the words should, must and ought to. They're your signal that Sue is measuring you against a made-up rule.
When guilt about what you aren't doing comes up, ask yourself this. Whose rule am I breaking right now? Mine, or one I never agreed to?
3. Guilt about the past
Many of us carry guilt about something that happened months or decades ago. Even if it really was a mistake, Sue tells you a convincing lie about it. She says that if she keeps reminding you, you'll never do it again. Or that if you feel bad enough, you can undo some of the damage.
But the past doesn't exist anywhere except in your memory. When you lie awake at 3am replaying it, you aren't fixing anything. You're using your imagination to hurt yourself now. No amount of thinking can change what happened.
You didn't choose to make that mistake. You were acting from whatever thinking looked true to you at the time. We all do the best we can with what looks real to us in the moment. Your past self deserves some compassion, not Sue's berating and vigilence.
What to do instead of feeling guilty
If you really have hurt someone, you don't need days of guilt to put it right. You have a calm inner knowing, a quiet conscience, and it's very simple. "I spoke harshly there. I'll go and apologise." Clean, direct, and free of shame.
Sue loves to paint a picture of a future-perfect you. Someone who never gets it wrong, never loses her temper, and meets everyone's needs without effort. That person doesn't exist. Human life is messy. You're allowed to be tired, to have bad days, and to have a past.
So try separating the story from the physical sensation of guilt in your body. If the story isn't true, you can let the sensation be there without fighting it. When you stop pushing it away and stop feeding the story, the cycle breaks on its own. The mind gets quieter.
The next time guilt turns up, about today, about what you haven't done, or about something from ten years ago, pause. See if you can recognise the voice. Then remind yourself: that's Sue. You don't have to do what she says.
Guilt isn't proof you've done something wrong. It's a sign you're believing one of Sue's stories.
Find out where Sue is running the show
If you'd like to see how Sue's drives of safety, uncertainty and exposure are working in your life, take my free Meet Sue™ quiz. It takes two minutes.
Lindsey
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